This time last year I felt as if I had much of my life figured out. Of course, when I state this, I do not mean that every detail was accounted for or that I had reached a place or state of mind that allowed me to consciously unfold the journey before me. Rather, I saw and experienced certain signs that validated internal knowings. These signs pointed toward a direction that made sense, was logical, and that seemed aligned with a greater purpose that I had envisioned and had felt ‘right.’
You know where this is going, right?
Certain things did not pan out. And other things did. Those things that did not come to fruition, however, sent me on a spiral. Maybe not a downward spiral, but rather on a sideways one where I felt and still feel that I am living in a parallel universe or in some alternate reality. I did have some darker moments where I yelled a bit at the air around me and asked God what the point was of having me go through what I had experienced. And, I had some better moments where I took in all that I DO have and realized, very humbly, that I am surrounded by love, good people, and, overall, a fulfilling career.
During this last year, I have had to reevaluate my journey as a human being who has, since I can remember, felt an itching to know more, feel more, do more, have more… The MORE isn’t necessarily something tangible or material, rather it is an ache in the heart that pushes me to dream bigger and to imagine limitlessly. The reevaluation is coming to terms with how my life is at this moment is not what I had envisioned for myself and my family last year. But, in all honesty, it’s not too far off… just some of the details are different.
Coming to terms with life as it is means to reevaluate who I am now, not the person I hoped I would have been if things had gone a certain way. The NOW of who I am is a person who finds herself in a beautiful home with an amazing family. Right now I am sitting at my new, little desk surrounded by some of my favorite things … photos of my family, pictures drawn by my daughters, candles bought for me by my husband, and books that I treasure. I am breathing in fresh sage and listening to the sound of my daughters’ laughter downstairs.
Reevaluating myself in this present moment feels bittersweet in some ways. In accepting who I am NOW I am also, simultaneously, letting go of who I thought I would be a year ago. Though, in essence, I am holding onto and letting go of the same person, there is a self-awareness of loss and grief in realizing that the NOW is enough. Maybe the MORE isn’t needed as much or maybe I am growing out of needing the MORE for deep fulfillment. Maybe, who I am right now is exactly what I need. Nothing more.
Keep courageous. Live now. With love,